Flight School

A week ago I had the opportunity to visit my youngest daughter in Colorado for her 19th birthday. Audrey was accepted into the Air Force Academy Prep school this last year and left in July for basic training. I hadn’t seen her since she left, and I was excited to spend some time there after a 19 year gap.

We lived there when she was born. I was a military wife living on base at Fort Carson. She was our youngest of four girls. Fast forward to High School. We were civilians now and living in Columbus, Ohio. She decided her freshman year  to move in with her father (we were divorced in 2008) and worked diligently to apply and get acceptance to the Academy. I couldn’t wait to see her. In fact, her younger brother was coming with me and this would be his FIRST ever plane ride! It was touch-n-go whether or not he’d be able to come with me, but in the end, it worked out and we were on our way.

Connor and I kept his coming a secret to surprise her. After we got settled at the hotel and I had a couple hours sleep I went to go and pick her up from the Prep School. I spent time with her that morning doing girls things...like getting our nails done and having a mock tail at the Beauty Bar in Colorado Springs. 

It was hard keeping it a secret!! The nice thing was our hotel had a huge breakfast buffet and a gym so Connor ate and worked out while I was gone. He also watched most of the OSU game in the room before we finally got back and dropped the surprise on her. She and I made plans to run at the Garden of the Gods park. We all dressed quickly and headed over. We were blessed with perfect weather. Sunny, 65 and zero wind. We had a blast. My children don’t run as much as I do so we kept it to 3 easy miles. 

My sister said it best. The first year away from home is the hardest, so us making the trip now made the most sense for everyone. I am thankful that we planned this one ahead of time and had the money to do it. I don’t know how many times we will be back but, I think we made some special memories with her regardless. For Connor, it was a cool trip and the chance of a lifetime to fly somewhere he’s never been. I am so grateful I got to give him this experience and I got to share it with him. It was hard to say goodbye to her. 

The Colorado marathon is now on my bucket list!! 

Give A Little Love

{Teaching my son to ride a bike}

There is nothing that prepares you for the life of a single parent. No one can tell you how it will feel to face all the decisions alone. There are no guidelines or books for every possible scenario that you will ever have to face. It can be, and is lonely, to stand and face your children who expect and deserve you to have all the answers they need. You're body and mind will be put to the test every day of every week of every year. Even on the weekends you aren't with them you will be in mind and spirit always worrying and wondering. Waiting by the phone in case they need you. Staying close to home in case you're called upon to support them in some way. When they're sick you will be too because missing work won't be easy. Wiping the tears they shed and the ones you will too when someone breaks their heart. You'll struggle to find enough of yourself to go around to each of them hoping that in the end nobody feels they've been forgotten. You'll savor every moment of every day you do have them. You will get to see all their firsts, and be a part of every accomplishment. When the good things happen you will be the first to know. When they give thanks you will be the first to hear it. 

My father took calls from me almost every week in the beginning where I cried that I was afraid to raise them alone. I was afraid I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't sure I would be able to give them what they deserved and needed on my own. He was always so supportive. In his words

 "Nothing has changed. You've been doing it all along". 

I think the harshest words I ever had to face were the ones from my own son. Crying one day he asked that if his father was getting married, did that mean that I wasn't his mom anymore. He was five years old, and I think that was one of the hardest conversations I ever had to have. Trying to help him understand the dynamic of his new life was more than he could handle .He needed me to help him. One Sunday evening fairly recently he and I were going over his weekend, and he became emotional. He wanted to know what it would feel like to have a mom AND a dad. Not having a father of my own, or close relationship with my brother, makes it hard to have that person in his life. I feel like maybe in that I have failed him. I will never know for sure, but what I do know is I believe that I have loved them all enough for us both. That much I am certain of.  

Ten Ten Twenty

{Whetstone Rose Garden}

People will ask me random questions online about me or my life, so I thought this would be a fun opportunity to let you in on some of the little secrets...

1. My favorite dog is a German Shorthair Pointer

2. My favorite color is Navy

3. If I could live anywhere it would be near the water

4. I can't be with someone who doesn't make me laugh

5. Cookies are my favorite dessert

6. I have 7 tattoos

7. When I am upset I like to clean

8. I am only 5 feet 2 inches tall

9. I am the oldest of three children

10. My go to scent right now is Burberry Brit

11. If I cheat on eating well it's wine and chips together

12. My favorite car is a Jeep Wagoneer

13. I like movies and not TV

14. My favorite sports to watch are Soccer, Hockey, Baseball and Boxing

15. If it was my last meal I would have steak

16. I have no bucket list I'm just impulsive

17. I have 5 children

18. They all have the same dad

19. I enjoy the anonymity of shopping online. I hate the mall.

20. I will never put anyone ahead of my children ever

For My Father (and yours)

{Individual Medley Store $18}

My father has been gone almost 5 years now and there are so many days I wish I could call him for his advice. He had the best way of telling you exactly how he felt about everything and making you laugh even when it was hard. I find myself resourcing my memories for words of wisdom for my own children. With both my parents deceased, Mother's Day and Father's Day feel sort of empty. It has been only in the past few months that I am able to finally have a picture of him out where I can see it every day. I find myself  still shopping for him when I least expect it, filing away the things I think he would have loved to have, and I would have loved to give him. Happy Father's Day Dad.

{Gift Card to Nike id}

{Beer basket $100}

{Bella Coffee Maker $50}

{Coleman Stainless Steel 54 Qt cooler $175}

{Hugs are always free}

Wedded Bliss

{Details}

Every time I get invited to someone's wedding I think I'll feel jaded and apathetic toward the ceremony because my marriage was unsuccessful. That is never ever the case. I tear up like a little school girl and I am honored by the invitation. That someone would think enough of our friendship to want me to be there for one of the most important days of their life gives me a feeling that is beyond measure. I am deeply touched. Being asked to be a bridesmaid is another thing entirely. I am always so transfixed on my own life that I don't think I even grasped that I could impact another person in such a way, that they not only wanted me there, but wanted me standing next to them. I don't think it hit me until we walked down the isle the magnitude of that days events. Seeing my good friend marry the man she loves not only made me swell up with pride knowing and loving them both but renewed my faith in a love that can last a lifetime.

Coffee Me Crazy

Tom's are not my shoe of choice. I have never claimed to be a hipster or even tried to take on any of those characteristically easy going, nature loving, organic consuming, free loving qualities. What I am in support of is their commitment to helping others. Even if it is in some small way I want to give a little back to someone less fortunate. It helps to keep me grounded and remind me of how good I really have it. It truly is a difficulty these days to keep yourself from being taken by all the things people around you have that you don't. It can be a relationship, a job opportunity, financial gain, friendship connections and so forth. It takes a ton of self respect to accept what you have and be proud of it, even when there are those who look down on you as if you have nothing. So every chance I get, I give a little. Here Tom's Coffee gives you that chance. For 11.99 a month you receive coffee beans from countries around the world and you, in turn, will help them have clean water. Hard to imagine not having that isn't it? So the next time you pour a cup of java let it be ONE FOR ONE.

The Little Market latte mug you see above and other items found on this site are made by women artisans from around the world. Help those women do better and have better. 

Happy Easter

When I was a kid...old enough to know better but still young enough to enjoy the holiday, and the fantasy, my step-mom gave my brother and sister and myself the best possible surprise. The Easter Bunny left notes every year, but this particular year he covered the house in yarn. COVERED THE ENTIRE INTERIOR OF OUR SPLIT LEVEL with yarn. We were each given a color and told to follow it until we came upon our respective baskets. It is one of my most cherished memories. I would say that I have never done anything so creative as that for my own holiday, but I do love the idea of hiding the baskets and doing it well. This year was no exception with two not able to locate theirs without help from me which made it the best one yet. 

Locks of Love

Pantene Beautiful Lengths

I was not blessed with luxurious locks. Although my texture has fluctuated over the past few years, getting thicker with each pregnancy, then losing so much of it after my divorce, I have maintained very fine and thin hair. Whether short or long, it looks thin. I take really good care of it, and use special products for maintaining it. I have very little grey, and have learned how to style it to make the most of what I have. Unfortunately, I would NEVER have enough to be able to donate it. My four girls all have mermaid like tresses, that can be coiled up into enviable top knots. As a gift to me over the years they have donated it and I cannot tell you how hard I know it must be to let it go. Sometimes they've gotten emotional and it breaks my heart knowing how I would love to have that much hair and then to see it all fall on the floor must be unnerving. Not in any way as scary as suffering from a debilitating illness like Cancer. I am so proud of their choice. I am so proud I was given the honor of cutting it myself. Sometimes as a parent it all comes together and you realize all your sacrifice and hard work has paid off. 

2015

{Happy New Year}

The New Year celebration has come and gone and I have just now, weeks later, decided to sit down and write my resolutions (goals) for this upcoming year. Last year I was pretty successful with them all but the one where I promised to travel somewhere new...no big surprise. I will begin this year with that one. I never get upset if some of them are never realized, because these are just a promise to myself to be a better person, and grow in some way whether big or small with every year. I can't lose.

1. To travel somewhere new either alone or with someone special

2. Live in this body and be proud of it

3. Give more hugs

4. Make my time on social media more productive

5. Try new local pizza 

6. See more live music

7. Save for a vacation

8. Take better care of my health

9. Spend more time outside

10. Fall in love

The last one is fairly lofty but I figure I have nothing to lose. 

What are your goals/resolutions??

Dream A Little Dream

{We love you.}

Having grown up in a fairly homogenized neighborhood as a child, and even to a certain extent also in college, I had not been exposed to a very diverse community of people. People of color or other religions were not in any sort of acceptable abundance in my life. Regardless of this, as a parent, I have made every possible effort to teach my family to accept people for who they are and not what they look like. We are all exactly the same on the inside, and it was so important to me that I be able to convey that to the people I love the most even against societal stereotypes. So along came this beautiful person, who has filled our lives with such joy and pride, who has loved my family as much as it loves him. He has captured my heart. When there are so many things that we can feel we have fallen short on as parents...in this my dream has come true <3

Happy 200th!!!

{Check me out. Now you can find stuff!}

This is my 200th post. I cannot believe what a fun experience this has been for me being able to funnel my creative ideas in a way that entertains other people. I am constantly learning and growing every day with every new post. Not only has it done that, but it has helped me in more ways than anyone can imagine. With every post I learn to love myself a little more, to accept that what I do may not interest everyone and that's o.k., as well and it has pushed me to try new things and expand my own interests. It has challenged me to be more than what I ever thought I could be. I wanted this to be a place where people could get to know me as a person, a woman, and someone who has become what they have always hoped to be...real and honest and approachable. Thank you to everyone who has read these posts. For only having 2 official followers, I have amassed more than 15,600 views in less than a year's worth of posts. YOU all make this worth it for me. With every 'like" on Facebook, my blog opens up to more people. Without your support I would have never accumulated these statistics. You melt my heart. <3

J Lo.

                                         

FRIDAY FEELS

{My father and I having a "moment"}

I don't know if I think of my parents every day anymore. It is kind of like when any relationship ends. Your memories drift into the mist of your mind and you lose sight of them. The best part is many times the negative things seem to dissipate, and the good rise to the surface and remain there. I believe that is how the mind helps heal the heart. Both things codependent on the other for survival. So we cling to those special moments in time, and hold them tightly, as if letting them go would lead to the greatest of all travesties...complete loss of recollection. As we have celebrated this Christmas and the upcoming New Year, let's make memories that last forever.

Give A Little

There have been super hard years where I did not have the money to buy gifts for my own family. There is nothing more humbling than having someone else step in and do that for you. Speaking from personal experience, I know how difficult it can be to accept any kind of help. This is where I had to learn to let go and let other people support me during a difficult time. I truly believe that that is the spirit of the season. So every year, for every member of my family, we choose another child to give a gift to. There are so many needy families who may not be able to afford the extra cost of buying gifts and we know what that feels like. We want to make the effort to help someone who needs it more than we do. There was nothing more gratifying than walking into this room filled with love for all these children. I know how it has made a difference to me. So take the time to give to a local charity in your area, even if that simply involves packing up clothes you no longer need and donating them. Another person's happiness is your just reward. 

Get It Together

{My preschool supply closet}

Getting organized I think is something we can say we have all had struggles with from time to time. Balancing work and family, friends and hobbies, daily chores and weekly projects are just a few examples of things that most of us have to find a way to prioritize and make fit like the perfect life puzzle. Some weeks I master this art, and others... not so much. When I am organized I am the most happy because even just taking a couple hours to go through mail and get all the housework done lifts such an enormous level of stress that I am no longer feeling like I have forgotten something. That underlying panic and anxiety is gone. Here are my tried and true techniques for getting your ducks in a row.

1. Schedule yourself time to get caught up. For me, this is the Wednesday evenings and Friday nights that my children are with their Dad. I can lay everything out and see the big picture or I can turn up my new Lenny Kravits album and pour myself a glass of wine. Cleaning under those circumstances is the most therapeutic for me. 

2. Every morning make a list. I do this when I get to work. If I don't I will forget something important that I need to do that day like picking up dry cleaning, or remembering that I am having dinner with a friend. I am constantly bombarded with last minute "have to's" so this is challenging but always helpful in the end.

3. Keep a monthly calendar at all times. I am sure most people keep it all in their phone, but I prefer writing it down and being able to visualize the entire month at a glance.

4. Leave yourself a day to rest or an evening if that is all you can do. This one is hard for me because I am always on the go but critical to my maintaining my sanity. If I take a long break from work, or allow myself a Wednesday evening of fun (as a reward for getting ahead) then I am recharged and feel less overwhelmed.

5. Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today. Procrastination is something that at one point I felt I was the master of, but as my life spreads out and becomes more diverse, the little things although important, can slip through the cracks and then I feel like I have failed. Now when a bill comes in I pay it, if an email comes through I make the effort to skim it at the very least instead of letting them pile up, running the risk of missing a deadline.

6. Find the path of least resistance. Especially when dealing with not only my children's schedules but my own, I always try and find some way to be efficient. If I know my son's training is two hours that evening I will go to the grocery store during that time or run a couple important errands let's say to the post office or drug store. Sitting there is a colossal waste of time.

7. Put down your phone and focus on what is most important. Nothing is more frustrating that trying to get stuff done and feeling like every text or Facebook status needs a response. The last thing I want to do in my life is look back and feel like I wasn't in the moment with my children or my friends when they deserve all the attention.

8. Cut yourself some slack. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Doing the best you can under any given circumstance is all you can expect from yourself or anyone else. Take a deep breath. Let whatever went wrong be in the past, and move forward with the attitude of  "OK, let's try this one again". 

Friday Feels

{Early morning light}

There has been such an overwhelming reaction to the loss of Robin Williams. Not simply with regard to his suicide, but also his diagnosis. I felt that having been directly impacted by the suicide of someone closest to me, I wanted to shed some of my own light on a dark and painful subject. 

Some of you are aware that my mom took her own life when I was very young (8 years old) and my brother with her. In her troubled mind, having my brother and I with her was to protect us from having to live without her, and the memory of her death. My survival was something she had not planned on and did not want to happen. I remember that day very vividly as the car sank deep in that dark water leaving me behind. I have had many years to cope with all that happened that day. My father said to me many times that her taking her own life was a selfish act, because the person leaves behind so much pain and grief. I don't feel that way. It is my feeling that her taking her life was an unfortunate life choice she made for us both. I would have loved to keep her, but that was not what she wanted. It was HER LIFE. Far be it for me to tell someone how to live or how to die. Those who are struggling with these decisions need all our love and support, and not our judgement. In the end it is not up to us. If we believe that there is something better out there beyond this life on Earth, then when someone chooses to "leave the bonds of Earth, to touch the face of God" then should we not be happy for them to be free of all that tortures their soul, and be held forever in His Grace? When someone dies... we grieve OUR OWN loss. We are sad over what we no longer have. Is that not a selfish act as well? 

My belief for myself is that we are only given this one opportunity to leave our mark on this world, and in that we have a responsibility to leave it a better place. How that all falls out is up to each one of us. My hope is that everyone values and cherishes it all for as long as it is the time they are given, knowing that there is a finite end point for us all, and that every day we awake is a gift. 

Have a good weekend <3

Friday Feels

I have decided to try and add another weekly regular post that I hope will be helpful or inspiring in some way. I was just telling one of my very good friends last night how experience brings wisdom and knowledge. Age has nothing to do with that. I have so many younger friends who bring so much life and much needed insight into my life, that I can say without hesitation, that I do not know what I would do without them. It was my oldest who pushed me so hard to start this blog. She knew how much I wanted it and how I have always struggled with my self esteem after my marriage disintegrated. She was the one who believed in me and every time I feel like giving it up she encourages me to keep going. Putting myself out there for public consumption has not been easy for me but every day I get better, and every post is more authentic then the next, and even in every outfit post I get the opportunity to say that "I like who I am regardless of what anyone else thinks". I am inspired by people who live their lives as if no one is watching. Those who pursue their dreams with reckless abandon. Who are exactly 100% true to themselves. I hope that this blog is that very representation of who I am as a person, as a woman, as a friend, as a mother. I hope it is all the things I feel that I am and what I love with no filter. Have a great weekend <3

Happy Fourth of July!

{Last summer - poolside}

It has always been very difficult for me to take any time off. Working full time and being a full time single mother of five leaves me very little time for myself. At work there are expectations and it is the same when I walk through the door at the end of the day. I have to always be here for them so even trying to get away for a weekend is next to impossible. I dream of what it would feel like to get away from it all and truly rest and recharge. The demands of every day life and the responsibilities that accompany that life can sometimes be very overwhelming. I could always be doing more, giving more, being more there. Just having this blog as a hobby I feel a bit guilty asking them for the quiet time to do it. It feels selfish. Even though my children are moving into adulthood (my second turns 18 this week), they need me even more than when they were babies. Not only do they need my help in the physical sense, but also the emotional and as an advisor. These past couple weeks it caught up with me a bit and I feel like I cannot give enough to the ones I love the most. But I wouldn't change a thing. I am thankful for every moment and every struggle. Every tear and all the laughter. The pains of growing and the joys of success. The freedom to live the lives we choose is a gift that so many people live without. It is on these holidays that I take a moment to remember that someone sacrificed so much so that I could be this exhausted. Tonight as we watch the fireworks I will take a moment to cherish all the memories from holidays past and look forward to the future. Thankful I have that in and of itself. Have a great weekend <3

Forget Me Not

{Happy Father's Day Dad}

One of my favorite books of all time is "Shit My Dad Says" and the reason I think is that it reminds me so much of my own father. He wasn't quite as harsh and crude as the Dad in that book is depicted as, but he for sure knew how to put you in your place. He was not a cuddly person, nor was he soft. Getting a hug from him was one of those things you cherished because it was rare. I think he hugged me more as I became a parent. Maybe he knew how hard it was raising children, and could understand that I needed it. He was an absolute baseball fanatic keeping legal sized pads of paper by his side at all times, jotting down all sorts of statistics that make no sense to me to this day. He wasn't perfect. He made mistakes. He knew how to say "I am sorry" and taught me to do the same. I always knew that his heart was in the right place. He did the best he could. My fondest recollections are of his laughter, his guiltless and silly sense of humor. He made me laugh when no one could make me smile. He held my hand through some of the darkest days of my life. He said I owed him nothing but to do better than he did. I hope I have. <3

I let him choose the song we danced to at my wedding. This is what he chose.

Elton John - "Can You Feel The Love Tonight"

Happy 100th

{LC skinnies, JCrew denim jacket, purse, and top - old, Sam&Libby flats}

Hard to believe that I have posted 100 times. I really didn't think I would stick with it as long as I have. I have received so much positive support from my co-workers, as well as my family and friends, that has meant so much to me. I am a fairly private person, so sharing all these ideas has been a battle of wills within me. I was always fearful a of negative response. I have felt nothing but love from everyone, and the messages I receive inspire me to keep going. As you can imagine, there are so many, many photos that simply never make the cut for all kinds of reasons. So I have chosen a few from the archives to share with you today. Enjoy. I hope that this little thing I am doing brings you a laugh or a smile or even inspires you to step outside of your comfort zone. Happy weekend y'all. See you Monday.

{Thanks for the candid Julia}

{Learning to frame the photo and take advantage of good lighting}

{What am I doing}

                                 

{After this I donated the jacket and dress}

{The only decent shot out of maybe 20 pictures}

{Not all food is photogenic......}

   

Photographic Memory

Nancy Marie and Me.

Today would have been my natural mother's birthday. I use the term "natural" because she was my mother for the first eight years of my life. I will never know her. I only have photographs and some stories that others have shared with me over the years, as well as my own foggy memories. Every year on this day I remember her and wonder what might have been. What would she have thought of my family? Me as a mother? As a woman? A few months ago I had taken some old photographs into work to share with my colleagues and they pointed out how my children look like her. I wonder sometimes what she was like or if we would have been close. Those questions will forever go unanswered. I cannot recall today where I read this but in an interview, John F. Kennedy Jr. was asked if he remembered his father. He had responded with something along the lines of  "I am not sure if I actually remember these things or if I have seen the footage so many times that I believe that is what I remember." Well said. "Tomorrow is a new day." - My Dad.