Give A Little Love

{Teaching my son to ride a bike}

There is nothing that prepares you for the life of a single parent. No one can tell you how it will feel to face all the decisions alone. There are no guidelines or books for every possible scenario that you will ever have to face. It can be, and is lonely, to stand and face your children who expect and deserve you to have all the answers they need. You're body and mind will be put to the test every day of every week of every year. Even on the weekends you aren't with them you will be in mind and spirit always worrying and wondering. Waiting by the phone in case they need you. Staying close to home in case you're called upon to support them in some way. When they're sick you will be too because missing work won't be easy. Wiping the tears they shed and the ones you will too when someone breaks their heart. You'll struggle to find enough of yourself to go around to each of them hoping that in the end nobody feels they've been forgotten. You'll savor every moment of every day you do have them. You will get to see all their firsts, and be a part of every accomplishment. When the good things happen you will be the first to know. When they give thanks you will be the first to hear it. 

My father took calls from me almost every week in the beginning where I cried that I was afraid to raise them alone. I was afraid I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't sure I would be able to give them what they deserved and needed on my own. He was always so supportive. In his words

 "Nothing has changed. You've been doing it all along". 

I think the harshest words I ever had to face were the ones from my own son. Crying one day he asked that if his father was getting married, did that mean that I wasn't his mom anymore. He was five years old, and I think that was one of the hardest conversations I ever had to have. Trying to help him understand the dynamic of his new life was more than he could handle .He needed me to help him. One Sunday evening fairly recently he and I were going over his weekend, and he became emotional. He wanted to know what it would feel like to have a mom AND a dad. Not having a father of my own, or close relationship with my brother, makes it hard to have that person in his life. I feel like maybe in that I have failed him. I will never know for sure, but what I do know is I believe that I have loved them all enough for us both. That much I am certain of.